Reflections on entitlement and sexual harassment/assault/rape

I struggled with this one. I kept going back and forth on what to write about, and my frustration that everyone is “talking about” but not actually talking about masculinity, rape, and sports. Then naturally I find myself in the same position. I had three different drafts for today’s post on a variety of topics including the displacement of people fighting displacement in Baltimore, workers’ rights, and a previous attempt at this one. I also am developing an irrational fear of being the person people come to for information on rape. I studied violence against women, but mostly as it pertains to women in the labor force. That is how I’m working this one by the way. Violence and sexual violence against women in and around sports as one would look at violence and sexual violence against women in the work place. In my experience there are a lot of similarities particularly surrounding men's feelings of entitlement in both areas. Now, we’re all aware of the rape cases in Steubenville, Ohio, Notre Dame, and Penn State, but there are also numerous others. We’re not going to rehash. You know what happened, and if you don’t go read about those. But what I want to talk about is how does this become acceptable behavior and potential reasons why.

I want to take a moment at the beginning to mention my love of sports. Seriously, I never missed a hockey game junior and senior year of high school, which included driving to the middle of nowhere to watch them play (and sometimes lose). Mark Price still makes me sigh, and I can’t promise I wouldn’t react violently against any member of the Heat. I have two friends who are Stealers fans…and sometimes I wonder whether I can trust them. I’ve yelled I-O on the National Mall in response to someone screaming O-H. I have no idea who these people were, and it freaks people who don’t know what’s going on out. I openly mock Michigan and Georgia to friends who support both teams. Happy hours get tense during football season. When people (usually men) tell me about how much they love soccer, I want to care, but usually can only suppress an eye roll. But I’ll watch it. I’ll watch just about any sport, but baseball or poker (which isn’t a sport ESPN). I also really like employment; well I recognize the need for employment even if you don’t love your job, which we’ll get to.

Prepare yourselves for anecdotes. I’m going to describe two personal experiences with sexual harassment, one in an athletic context and one in an employment context that occurred within years of each other. Then we’re going to outline the dynamics and thought process behind both as perceived by me, because I can’t speak for anyone else included here.

When I was a freshman in high school I was harassed (I don’t really know how to classify this experience; it may have been assault). I’m not talking bullying and pushing kids out of the way, or even the dreaded lunchroom hierarchy that I find humorous to this day. I mean two boys (who were both wrestlers and football players) who nearly knocked my head first down a stairwell in the history hallway while grinding against me after school. Had one of the boys not been holding my hips I would have fallen. I know this because I remember looking down and seeing my right heel caught on the step above me. It was a scary experience if nothing else because of my fear of heights. If you’ve never tried to break a wrestler’s grip I don’t recommend trying; it will make you feel dis-empowered. I went to a private school. My dad worked two jobs so we (my sisters and I) could afford to be sexually harassed in hallways and have a better education. It was the tradeoff, and I mapped a new route around school. I hated it, but I accepted it. I also, still harbor a bit of resentment about the whole deal. After, I decided it was best not to say anything, with no input from anyone else because my hold on my education was tentative. I couldn't give a damn about social hierarchy, but I had an older sister who went to this school and so did these boys. I wasn’t a happy kid either. I questioned teachers with what could be perceived as disrespectful attitude and rejected anything I deemed conformist. I was a straight-A student, but I don’t think I was many teachers’ favorite. Plus, this occurred so early in my time at this school, the faculty and staff didn’t know anything about me. I didn’t go to the frosh football clinic the summer before where I met everyone.  

One year later, I took a job right off campus. I would walk there after school with the other girls who worked there. I was a hospital as a file clerk. Our boss would sexually harass us almost every day. He never touched anyone. I feel like I should be clear, but the environment was pretty hostile nonetheless. No one wanted to work with him alone, but I’m pretty sure he was nicer and better behaved when we did work alone with him, a lack of posturing if you will. I’m thinking of a specific time when after our boss discussed my friend’s choice in underwear, which was pure speculation because she was wearing pants and a long shirt with another male coworker in front of maybe four women, one of those women suggested the girl who was the object of his interest in that moment file a complaint. Ms. P (complaint filer) waited until our boss left the room to suggest the girl file a complaint. She did this because she feared retaliation. Ms. P complained about a lot of things and all the other girls were part-time students. This was our first real job, and we needed it just as much as Ms. P, but I think the expectation was that is one of us complained that either the boss would go or we would. No one said anything, though after a few years we would threaten to, but no one did.

So the point of picking first hand experiences enables me to discuss the perceived motives behind both of these experiences and my reaction to them. I also picked experiences that are not bad at all compared to the rape cases alluded to above. So what do they have in common? (Now, I can look up the theory working in each of these, but I’m going to try to wing it and save myself research time.)

1. Physical intimidation: the boys and my boss were larger than me (and my coworkers). Whether or not their intention was to physically intimidate (I'm thinking my of my boss) it doesn't matter because he never acknowledged how his size acted as a privilege in these situations. It actively encouraged silence whether or not he intended it to.
2. Power: my boss obviously was in a position of power, but the power the boys had was different. They both came from good families (one’s dad was a cop) and feeder schools in the same neighborhood as my high school. I didn’t. I had my sister’s legacy (gifted student and popular), but I also hailed from a feeder school in a low-income neighborhood that regularly supplied students who were problems for our high school. I didn’t want to be one of those problems.
3. The more believable account: Athletes vs. dissident and boss vs. student employees.  
4. Economic insecurity: I’m not sure this was at the forefront of anyone’s minds at the time, but women who hail from lower-socioeconomic classes are more likely to be the victims of sexual harassment and violence. I think this was more about the silence in the two situations described above. Poor women are less likely to rock the boat because they have more to lose if thrown overboard. Also, poor women generally have a stronger distrust of authority figures. I don’t think any of these men knew anything about me other than I rarely complain to authority figures (criticized them all the time) and because of some of my resistance in questions of labor and unquestioned faith (Catholic school) I was met with eye rolls and sighs from teachers and supervisors.
5. Race: this is uncomfortable. No really, I'll tell anyone I feel week academically on the subject of race. The boys who grabbed me were white and pretty openly racist, which was rarely questioned by anyone, but we had a very white school. I’m sure women of color didn’t even register for their attention, but had women of color they would have more than likely been less interested in speaking up than I was. And my supervisor was Black; actually he introduced me to the "race card" and blacksploitation film theory. But in an effort not to appear racist I rarely talked about his harassment even with the other women he harassed because I worried that what I was saying would become about race instead of the harassment.
6. The tradeoff: I’ve found I am not alone in this. I know many a lady who holds her tongue in an effort to reap whatever she can from a situation. So sexual harassment for an education and employment becomes the tradeoff and eventually something you don't even question. You hear your inner monologue saying “it’s not so bad” or “I’ll ignore it this time.” Ladies know it is the same one that comes back when someone harasses you on the street. You convince yourself next time will be different. Next time you’ll yell back, draw attention to it, or fight back but then the next time comes and you’re telling yourself the same thing.
7. Fake security: You see in both of the situations I described I was safe. No for real. I was at work and at school. Those are places we’re supposed to be safe; we've been told so. So even if some harassment occurs it can’t possibly get out of hand. This is a lie we’ve all been told. For further anecdotal evidence see every movie Lifetime has ever made about high school. But because this is a lie we believe. I just had to hold my breath till it was over, because I believed it couldn’t get any worse. And for me it didn’t, but for some other women (specifically in my high school, university, and post grad work) it did.
8. Hyper-masculinity: The boys in the first story both participated in these hyper-masculine activities including sports and held very hetero-normative views on gender roles. I know this because we argued about a woman’s place in my frosh theology class. Did I mention I had classes with these two gents for the next four years? Good times. There was a long running joke in my high school about the one male cheerleader who was of course perceived to be gay, but I’m pretty sure got more action than most of the football at the time. He’s sensitive, but he was perceived as feminine and thus deserved ridicule. I should also mention this open hostility for people different diminished overtime. There was of course continued sexual harassment, but by in large the situation became less hostile. I have darling anecdotes about that as well. My boss would try to help my male coworkers be manlier (it is ok it you want to stop reading and listen to Daria the Musical for the song Manly if you have doubts) to attract women. This was a failure for everyone involved, but I think speaks to the nature of harassment in general. It isn’t for the ladies, which brings us to…
9. Performance: everyone performs every day. It is called presentation. We choose how we behave in situations. Performance in packs (the boys) or for others we seek to impress when in hyper-masculine situations can look exactly like either of these situations. I don’t think either of those boys found me particularly attractive. I’m pretty sure I walked by when they were having a conversation about women and some slang term was used, but I’m blanking on it. I know because this was before iPods so I wasn’t oblivious. I know my boss wasn’t particularly concerned with how my coworker actually looked either, instead it was for our male coworker, who thought the sun rose and set with our boss. Maybe our boss thought he was also paying us a compliment, but that's garbage.

So what, right? I can’t speak to the specific motives in either of these situations, while as an adult I’ve had awkward and boarder line dangerous conversations with people that would not have happen at 14 and 15. However, I think the harassment described in both was more about an attempt to fit in and look cool than actually hurt someone. I know on some level none of the males mentioned here fully understand women are people, but I don’t automatically think anyone grew up to be a rapist in these stories. I do think they saw an opportunity to exploit someone perceived as vulnerable, and that there would be no penalty, no cost to pay. So why does someone fill invulnerable? Because of privilege and entitlement. Why do people lack empathy? Because of privilege and entitlement. These are the driving factors behind Steubenville, Penn State, and Notre Dame. The people doing the assaulting felt invulnerable, and in some respects they were. People looked the other way and provided cover. 

A closing thought, to bring this back to sports. My high school would eventually let two coaches go for inappropriate relationships with minor females. One started a sexual relationship with an upperclassman, which was discovered after she graduated, but emails were uncovered that demonstrated the relationship began when she was a student. The second coach was turned in by his co-coach for distributing pornography to minor girls on a retreat (an overnight retreat), but no explicit sexual misconduct was reported. I mention this because these coaches were the authority figures who were supposed to be mentoring the boys who harassed me and many more. I think it speaks to a culture of hyper-masculinity and entitlement, which is what this all comes back to, right? Some people were told they are special and can do whatever they want because of said specialness. Anyone different from you can’t be special (i.e. women, often women of color) so they aren’t like you (i.e. people). Thus they deserve no respect or consideration.Honestly, I don't know if that is the actual language that goes through the minds of people who do these things or if it is more subtle over time, or if there is ever a moment of clarity. Probably no on the moment of clarity.

I want to clear, that I’m not endorsing the way I handled these situations (i.e. silence). I’m also not saying the list above is all the dynamics at play or in any specific order except how they occurred to me.