Ok, that isn’t true. I made so many sandwiches for the homeless, so, so,
many. Deli meat grosses me out so hard. I’m not much for cooking, but when I
lived with M and C, and then again with M and B, we had roomie date night. We’d
watch television and take turns being responsible for dinner. Often, I picked
up takeout. My friend K is concerned I would starve to death without being
walking distance from Chipotle because I don’t think it is worth the time to
cook for myself, mostly because that is a lot of time for something only me,
one person is going to eat. Some people like cooking, but I’m not one of them.
That stupid joke about “make me a sandwich” that is tossed at feminists
all the time has taken a dark turn. Stephanie Smith wrote an article called, “I’m 124 sandwiches away from an engagement ring”
for the New York Post. So who is Smith? Well, she’s making some waves in the
foodie community because she keeps a blog called 300 sandwiches,
and she is a reporter for the New York Post. The blog is beautiful, she
photographs carefully constructed sandwiches.
So what is my problem? Am I opposed to sandwiches? Well, a little bit
because I’m a feminist killjoy, and clearly sandwiches are the tool of the
patriarchy. Just kidding. But like I said the “man me a sandwich” joke took a
dark turn:
“My boyfriend, Eric, is the gourmet cook in our relationship, but he’d
always want me to make him a sandwich.
“Each morning, he would ask, ‘Honey, how long you have been awake?’
“’About 15 minutes,’ I’d reply.
“’You’ve been up for 15 minutes and you haven’t made me a sandwich?’
“To him, sandwiches are like kisses or hugs. Or sex. ‘Sandwiches are
love,’ he says. ‘Especially when you make them. You can’t get a sandwich with
love from the deli.’
“one lazy summer afternoon just over a year ago, I finally gave in. I
assembled turkey and Swiss on toasted wheat bread. I spread Dijon mustard
generously on both bread slices, and I made sure the lettuce was perfectly in
line with the neatly stacked turkey slices.
“Eric devour the sandwich as it if were a five-star mean, diving in with
large, eager bites. ‘Babes, this is delicious!’ he exclaimed.
“As he finished that last bite, he made an unexpected declaration of how
much he loved me and that sandwich, ‘Honey, you’re 300 sandwiches away from an
engagement right!’”
Yep, that’s all it takes ladies. Now, Smith goes on to explain
their relationship has often centered around food. They met at a restaurant,
and frequently their dates involved Eric cooking for her. She also describes
her feelings on marriage, and how after they began cohabiting, she wondered how
long it would take to get engaged. I know some men read this blog, and yes,
moving in with someone regardless of the logical reasoning, implies you want to
and will marry that person. I know it isn’t fair, and you may not have
discussed it, but it is assumed. Obviously, she is in favor of marriage:
“Maybe I needed to show him I could cook to prove that I am wife
material. If he wanted 300 sandwiches, I’d give him 300 sandwiches—and I’d blog
about it.”
Smith talks about some of the initial push back about how
chauvinist this all sounds, and I’d argue is, but we’ll get there. She decided
to focus on quality instead of quantity of sandwich with her initial thoughts
focusing on being engaged as soon as possible. She now focuses on how cooking
is something she and Eric do together, essentially bringing them together. She
also notes that Eric always says thank you (how big of him). Eric had this to
say:
“’You women real all these magazines to get advice on how to keep a man,
and it’s so easy,’ he says. “‘We’re not complex. Just do something nice for us.
Like make a sandwich.’”
So
do I think people shouldn’t do nice things for their partners? Absolutely not,
but this isn’t a nice thing. Maybe it has turned into a nice thing because they
are bonding and all that, but it was demand placed on her by him because of
socially constructed gender roles. The end game is an engagement that’s what
she wants; she doesn’t want to do this because it is nice. And sure, maybe they
are bonding and all that crap, but the title of this article references the
engagement ring. So maybe the priority hasn’t changed that much? Also, the
assertion that being a good wife requires being able to cook it antiquated. You
know what makes someone “wife material” being willing to take on that role and
title. And what makes someone a good partner? Being supportive, burden sharing,
and loving. Because marriages are partnerships, and while my contractual stance
may put some people off, it is still a partnership and each side should
contribute to the collective good.
I can’t
say that you should commit to someone because you love them and want to spend
an indefinite amount of time together. Everyone is different and knows what
works for them. I shocked many a friend this year when I changed my stance on
indefinite cohabitation, who’s to say I won’t change my mind on marriage at
some point? M enjoyed a good laugh about it when she was in, and then we had
one of those awkward conversations about adulthood and life. As a coworkers
said this morning, “I never wanted to get married till I met someone I couldn’t
live without.” But I can say, getting married because it is on the checklist or
because you want to get kids in under the biological wire is a bad reason.
Changing yourself for a person is also a bad idea.
All I got
from the article, besides how ridiculous this is, was that Eric is demanding,
makes broad generalizations about women and gender, and doesn’t see much value
in marriage. After all it is worth a few sandwiches. I wouldn’t agree to cohabit
with someone unless I was sure he’d be supportive of me and actually nice to me
(I have so many dating issues). This is not a man I’d want in my life. Smith
seems easily bullied, and while this whole thing might make her very famous,
wouldn’t it suck if all this ended in a divorce? The sandwich isn’t an
unreasonable demand, and it isn't what is wrong here. The expectation that
Smith was up for a whole 15 minutes without making him her priority is a demand
and truly creepy. That is what this is about by the way, she is supposed to
make him her priority, and I didn’t see anywhere in the article how Eric is
making Smith his priority. I give zero fucks if you cook for your
partner, stay at home with your kids, or change your last name. I care if your
partner refuses to be with you for any of those things or any variety of other
things.
