First, let me say, I owned my debate last night. I got to call the
pro-Obamacare side out over elitism, continued marginalization of the poor, and
policy that favors insurance corporations. Ending with questions about what
would a better option be? “Public option.” What would you say to someone saying
that is socialized medicine? “Socialized medicine, I wish, but I’d say it isn’t
because it is all about improving capitalism through competition in the
markets.” All this said, I think my peers are on to me…
I was going to write about the exploitation of service members through
payday loans, but I bumped that to Monday. I want to instead talk about the
people we include in our lives. Can’t choose your family, but you get to pick
your friends. I have a handful of really conservative friends, and these
relationships are out of loyalty and emotional support. For example, one of my
friends is a confidant to me, and I share things with her I’ve only shared with
two other people. Because I know I can call her and just cry. If we’re face-to-face,
there will be hugs.
I mention all this because I’m writing a novel for NaNoWriMo and while it
is fiction a lot of it is rooted in my late adolescences because we write what
we know, the conflict is completely derived from the news. All that said, on
Facebook this morning, I was reminded that I once took great pride in being “one
of the guys.” It is funny, as I write that I know the majority of people
who read this blog are men and friends of mine. But you’ll never hear me say
that again because I learned a lesson the hard way.
There are two sides to view this: I get along well with men, and I value
friendships with men over women. That link I posted talks a little about it.
For me in my youth, I would argue both influenced me because even when I
had more female friends, my best friend was always a dude, which isn’t
necessarily bad, but he was a douche. Really. I never thought much about his
(or the other guys) behavior. If something made me uncomfortable, I looked the
other way or worse, I embraced it so I could be the cool girl it didn’t bother.
I was young and very stupid; I’m still young and stupid, but worse then. The prioritization
of all things deemed masculine includes the priority of relationships with men
over those with women.
It is interesting to juxtapose the relationships I had with these guys in
my late teens/early twenties verses the relationship I have with men in my mid
to late twenties. I think about the rape apology and sexism I let slide because
I was above all that because I’m one of the guys, which is better in the social
hierarchy. Now, I feel no apprehension in calling out friends who don’t have
any women friends that are related or sexually attached to a man in the group. While
I respect these men, they don’t validate my existence, and sometimes I worry I’m
holding them responsible for my previous relationships with men, but that isn’t
the point of this post.
I was sexually assaulted, I’ve written
about it before. My “come to Jesus” moment with this whole “one of the guys”
thing came in college when my best friend chose to believe a dude he barely
knew over me. It was about power, privilege, and a culture that promotes rape
and sexism. And of course, the second oldest joke in feminism second to “make
me a sandwich,” “bitches
always be lyin’.” I know all this now, at the time I just felt alone and
very small. It was also an amazing silencing technique, because why tell anyone
if my best friend didn’t believe me. So
when I see people (women identified people, queer identified people, and “progressive
men”) ignoring sexism because it’s a joke (and we all know feminists can’t take
a joke) it promotes this culture. My best friend made comments defending
alleged rapists, not because he knew they were innocent or was close to them,
but because you can’t rape a sex worker. Needless to say this was one of our
last conversations.
Don’t get me wrong, I tried to save that relationship, and actually
learned another really great concept about life because it got so much worse
before I cut all ties. Eventually, I made a decision that I didn’t want someone
like this in my life. And while it is hard, some people we loved aren’t always
going to be in our lives. Also, we have to take responsibility for the things
we let our friends get away with. I am deeply ashamed of some of the things I did
to justify behaviors of people I knew. But as they say, “If you’re not part of
the solution, you’re part of the problem.”
This means if you know something your friends are doing or promoting is
wrong and you do nothing you’re just as guilty of promoting it. Swapping one stereotype
for another doesn’t solve the problem that your friends are sexist and
possibly misogynists (or racist, classist, homophobic, etc.).
All of these poorly articulated thoughts came to me because of a loved
one’s Facebook post, and when she learns her place in the social hierarchy of
the group she participates within the patriarchy, I hope she doesn’t learn the
way I did.
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