I didn’t
watch the Ray Rice abuse video. I don’t need to see that. I can imagine what it
looks like. I’ve probably seen similar. I do know a few things though: I know
it wasn’t Janay Palmer Rice’s fault; it probably wasn’t the first time; and
Rice deserves to be fired.
I spent a
good portion of this weekend trying to remember the differences between Ohio
and New Jersey law when it comes to assault. Ohio will press charges for you,
but usually the “victim” is required to testify and the case it thrown out if
the victim refuses. I see this as very paternalistic: bad guys go to trial, but
the victims are re-victimized by the system and their power is taken away
again. That isn’t always the case as my sister brought up, a friend was
hospitalized by her partner in a bar with a dozen witnesses so when our friend
refused to press charges Ohio did anyway on her behalf, and they had a dozen
witnesses to call when my friend refused. The flipside is that the perpetrators
never are held accountable for their actions.
Back to
things I know. Women are more likely to be killed by a partner than anything
else. Once a friend asked me why women date at all his argument was sound. He
pretty much said, buy a vibrator it is safer and comes with a warranty and a BPA
warning on the label. Men, he argued, don’t come with the same guarantee or the
warnings. I was trying to think of a good example, but came up with too many. And
so much of this conversation is about by Janay would marry Rice after he beat her.
I have a
friend who won’t tell us about anything bad in her relationships until they are
over because she doesn’t want to fail again. Or maybe she doesn’t want to prove
someone right? Honestly, I can’t tell you. I can tell you that she once asked
me what it was about her that brought this violent side out in the men she
dated. Yeah, because the problem was something she did. That is what I think of
every time someone says, well she should have left him or she is making excuses
for him or the sport reporters suggesting she provoked him. I hear my friend in
her early twenties after the third abusive boyfriend asking me if it is
something she is doing or not doing. Obviously, the answer is no. There was
nothing my friend could have done or not done to make it ok to hit her. So a
big f-you to anyone suggesting women are too stupid, greedy, ok with the abuse,
superficial, etc. and refuse to leave these situations. It doesn’t matter why she stayed.
It matters that we as a society let people know violence against women isn’t ok,
and there are consequences so when a woman like Janay feels ready to leave she
knows she can.
