This is why we can’t have nice things

I’m so mad right now. I was mad when the Cavs posted the video below. I was mad when I read the apology for making a joke out of intimate partner violence, and I’m mad that I got up this morning to a facebook timeline with “Cavs player” and “domestic violence” in the headlines.

Last week over drinks with a friend, I argues that sports while having violent aspects should be viewed in a larger context. Specifically, football players are on the receiving end of so much trauma should be looked at more closely to see what the impacts are over time. However, when you put this video made by PR people in this context that argument gets kind of blow to hell. Violence against women is just part of the culture of masculinity, and sports culture is also part of it.

There are a lot of problems with professional sports beginning with it is kind of a minstrel show. But because this is one of the few ways low-income Black men can escape poverty, I am usually good for a pass. Until we have another option, this is all we have. I have a friend who argues that these young men should focus on school instead of sports, which is all fine and good if all education was equal. It isn’t so even if these boys were straight A students who worked hard they education would still be valued less than a kid from a middle-class or upper class white neighborhood. Them’s the breaks.

By the same token violence and sports is more complicated than just people who play sports buy into a system and culture of violence and exceptionalism. We can dissect the relationship between violence and economic insecurity, or how and why poverty impacts children including making them more prone to and less reactive to violence. Or we can talk about how none of this is happening in a vacuum.

By that I mean, rape culture, sports, violence, capitalism, racism, etc. all feed off of and reinforce each other. At first I wrote this out, but I think it might be easier with pictures:

The arrows are misleading because it can work in reverse and there should/could be more text boxes. But for the purpose of this discussion. All of these concepts act on one other, changing them, and reinforcing them.

Look, Perkins isn’t getting charged because no one is making a complaint. He was picked up based on a call the police received, but that is as far as it is going to go. But let me be clear, “When you play Cleveland you play the whole city” can act to silence. I’m “all in” for Cleveland. I bought the “nothing is given” language. But we’re cutting from the same cloth here, if nothing is given then passes on IPV insensitivity aren’t given either. This is going to suck man, if we break the curse only to do it in the shadow of a club poking fun at intimate partner violence and allegations being made against players.

Victim blaming because it is the American way

I didn’t watch the Ray Rice abuse video. I don’t need to see that. I can imagine what it looks like. I’ve probably seen similar. I do know a few things though: I know it wasn’t Janay Palmer Rice’s fault; it probably wasn’t the first time; and Rice deserves to be fired.

I spent a good portion of this weekend trying to remember the differences between Ohio and New Jersey law when it comes to assault. Ohio will press charges for you, but usually the “victim” is required to testify and the case it thrown out if the victim refuses. I see this as very paternalistic: bad guys go to trial, but the victims are re-victimized by the system and their power is taken away again. That isn’t always the case as my sister brought up, a friend was hospitalized by her partner in a bar with a dozen witnesses so when our friend refused to press charges Ohio did anyway on her behalf, and they had a dozen witnesses to call when my friend refused. The flipside is that the perpetrators never are held accountable for their actions.

Back to things I know. Women are more likely to be killed by a partner than anything else. Once a friend asked me why women date at all his argument was sound. He pretty much said, buy a vibrator it is safer and comes with a warranty and a BPA warning on the label. Men, he argued, don’t come with the same guarantee or the warnings. I was trying to think of a good example, but came up with too many. And so much of this conversation is about by Janay would marry Rice after he beat her.

I have a friend who won’t tell us about anything bad in her relationships until they are over because she doesn’t want to fail again. Or maybe she doesn’t want to prove someone right? Honestly, I can’t tell you. I can tell you that she once asked me what it was about her that brought this violent side out in the men she dated. Yeah, because the problem was something she did. That is what I think of every time someone says, well she should have left him or she is making excuses for him or the sport reporters suggesting she provoked him. I hear my friend in her early twenties after the third abusive boyfriend asking me if it is something she is doing or not doing. Obviously, the answer is no. There was nothing my friend could have done or not done to make it ok to hit her. So a big f-you to anyone suggesting women are too stupid, greedy, ok with the abuse, superficial, etc. and refuse to leave these situations. It doesn’t matter why she stayed. It matters that we as a society let people know violence against women isn’t ok, and there are consequences so when a woman like Janay feels ready to leave she knows she can.

Praise baby Jesus, the NFL thinks they need harsher penalties for domestic violence

I don’t know about you, but I am always relieved about policy changes that happen after someone is knocked unconscious. I mean, when else would you do them? Before hand? Weak.

According to Jane McManus via ESPN and ABCNews, the NFL is pushing through large scale domestic violence policy changes that calls for a six-game suspension without pay for a first offense and a lifetime bad from the league for a second. About damn time. I’m going to call this our first victory, move on to professional sports taking racism and sexual violence serious next round. I’m kidding that’s never going to happen.

These new measures (being described as harsh by some media outlets) were sent from NFL commissioner Roger Goodell to all team owners and would apply to all NFL personnel. In addition to the six game suspension, the length could be increased depending on the incident occurring before the person joined the NFL, or if a weapon, specific acts of violence, or if the victim is pregnant. A second time offender might be able to petition for reinstatement after a year, but there isn’t any guarantee that will be granted.

Obviously, this has nothing to do with Ray Rice, just kidding. *jazz hands* Goodell has been criticized a lot over the ridiculous handling of Rice’s two-game suspension. I was recently talking with a friend about Rice and Josh Gordon. My friend posited that Gordon needs help that his issues are suggestive of an addiction, and he should be receiving help. That’s fine…I mean I don’t want to diagnosed anyone, but yeah, he probably does. He should be in treatment. That said so should Rice because violence against women (violence like this in general) is also indicative of a deep rooted problem. I mean who beats someone unconscious the first time they hit someone? Yeah, the severity of these sorts of things increase over time.

So good job NFL, way to stay on top of things. 

The Washington Post might need to attend that Republican seminar on how to talk to women

The second time in a week, the Washington Post publishes something that is ridiculous and offensive. W. Bradford Wilcox and Robin Fretwell Wilson published a piece (do not link) originally entitled “One way to end violence against women? Stop taking lovers and get married.” With the subheading “The data show that #yesallwomen would be safer hitched to their baby daddies.” Yeah, we’re throwing in racism with the sexism. Well played Washington Post.

First, Wilcox and Fretwell don’t seem to know what marital rape is or intimate partner violence or that women are more likely to be killed by their partners than anyone or thing else. Just saying. Additionally, the article uses the phrase “some men” in regards to men posing a threat to women because NOT ALL MEN! I can’t make this shit up. The article claims “The bottom line is this: Married women are notably safer than their unmarried peers, and girls raised in a home with their married father are markedly less likely to be abused or assaulted than children living without their own father.”

I love the idea that once you marry someone they fundamentally change so an abuser is no longer an abuser because marriage license. This is the real bottom line: men who see women as property will continue to see women as property and men who abuse women will continue to abuse women. The article parades out some studies on families, but they are very selective, and I’d argue not very well interpreted. For example, the article notes abuse rates, but not relationship to the child or identity characteristics of those in question. So, sexual abuse is often a crime of convenience so fathers, uncles, or brothers who are pedophiles might abuse children they are related to because these children are available.  The article also doesn’t mention the phenomenon of women single parents not dating while their children live at home to deter opportunities for the exploitation of their children. Yeah, that’s a thing. The article concludes with a head nod to women who experience violence at the hands of their husbands, but it is briefly at the end of the article.

The underlying theme of the article is this: marriage saves women because other men respect women as property of men. This is the “I’m in a relationship” or “I’ve got a man” excuse when a dude hits on you and won’t take not interested for an answer. The Washington Post is arguing that is women got married violence against women would stop…maybe we should just tell people we’re married? Same idea right?

Bonus round:

Original title of the article

Revised title of the article

It is almost like the Washington Post doesn’t have an editor or any women or people of color on staff.

Victim Blaming and Shellie Zimmerman

Over the weekend I listened to a woman whose rapist went free after raping her repeatedly for hours, telling her his name, and not destroying the evidence because she didn’t look and sound like a victim. So Monday when everyone was dancing dangerously close to victim blaming Shellie Zimmerman I just couldn’t. Of course as of Tuesday morning it was all over the news that once again, George Zimmerman will not serve time. Now, I empathize with the anger from the black community about George Zimmerman. I can’t fully understand it, and I can’t fully understand Shellie Zimmerman’s thought process either. I do know how my friends of color felt about Zimmerman, and rage is the only word to describe it and a sense of fatalism that this is the world in which we live. I’ve seen family and listened to friends recount intimate partner violence, and I do know what it is like to be afraid of a partner. And the sentiments were similar, how did I or we get here? How do I exist is a small world where I have little power and control?

From CNN and Vivian Kou, Shellie Zimmerman filed for divorce from George Zimmerman. She called 911 after he allegedly threaten her and her father with a gun, though there seems to be some controversy as to whether a gun was present. Zimmerman was denying he had one. No charges were filed against George Zimmerman. ABC and CNN noted that Police Chief Steve Bracknell stated, “Shellie Zimmerman has declined prosecution (after consulting with her attorney).” However, in Florida during domestic disturbances the police reserve the right to file charges regardless of the victims, which is obviously problematic. The police are reviewing security footage from the home. But this is what Bracknell had to say, “We did not take a gun at all, because there was no reason to take a gun, because was in his truck.” Here I thought he threatened Shellie Zimmerman and her father then went back to sit in the truck and wait, but silly me, how could the gun have traveled between those two placed? Shellie Zimmerman later said she hadn’t seen a gun, but George Zimmerman kept reaching for where he normally carries it. George of course is claiming self-defense again.

George Zimmerman went to Shellie Zimmerman and her father where there was an altercation. Shellie Zimmerman called the police while George Zimmerman sat in his truck with a friend. Shellie Zimmerman was breathing heavy on the phone while speaking to the dispatcher, saying, “He’s in his car and he continually has his hand on his gun, and he’s saying, ‘Step closer.’ He’s just threatening all of us with his firearm.”

Shellie also said, George Zimmerman punched her father in the nose and broke her iPad. She continued on the 911 call to say, “I don’t know what he’s capable of. I’m really, really scared.”

According to the Chicago Tribune, Shellie Zimmerman says on the 911 call, “Dad, Dad, get inside the house. George might start shooting us,” she was shouting, then breaking down in tears, “Oh my God, on my God.”

Now, we all know George Zimmerman is a violent child murdering monster. I won’t go over that again. The CNN article goes on to try to discredit Shellie Zimmerman because bitches be lyin’ I guess. After all she lied about their finances back in April 2012 when the couple received more than $135,000 in donates because we live in a world that wants to pay the man who murders an unarmed black teen. It is kind of amazing, she’s a liar, but the first thing CNN says about him after the acknowledgement of Trayvon Martin is about how he saved a family from an SUV accident, and then two traffic violations, where he was very cooperative.

I want to note that Shellie Zimmerman claims George Zimmerman feels invincible now. Additionally, Shellie Zimmerman was quoted as saying, “I think I’m realizing that I have been married to a person for almost seven years, and I don’t think that I ever really knew him at all.”

I want to take a moment and mention that many victims of intimate partner violence feel this way. Because often the abuse is gradual and develops over time until it is a normalized part of the relationship so you wake up years later thinking, this isn't the man I love, but it is the man I love.

She was also quoted as saying, “I stood by my husband through everything and I kind of feel like he left me with a bunch of broken glass that I’m supposed to now assemble and make a life…It’s just heartbreaking…I have a selfish husband. And I think George is all about George.”

Mark O’Mara, Zimmerman’s attorney confirmed George Zimmerman was armed, but he was only checking to make sure it was holstered because he’s responsible.

A few months ago, Salamishah Tillet wrote about the domestic violence angle and the Zimmerman case for The Nation. Tillet notes the similarities in poll findings for the Zimmerman trial and the Simpson trial, but Tillet was more interested in the domestic violence accusations both men faced before their trials rather than the racial breakdown. We all know that violence against women and girls is often overlooked by authorities and the media, but also we know that accusations like these go unchecked and are often indicators of future violence.

Nicole Brown Simpson had a long history of documenting abuse. In the Zimmerman case, two pieces of evidence never made it to the trial. The first being a statement from Witness No. 9, was Zimmerman’s cousin, she claimed he molested her for ten years when they were children. The second piece of evidence was a report filed in 2005, Zimmerman’s former fiancé sought a restraining order against him for domestic violence. Put that in perspective when Zimmerman claimed self-defense against Trayvon Martin. Another former partner of Zimmerman claimed he was trolling her neighborhood to check on her. She asked him to leave, and there was pushing. Her dog bit him, and he filed a petition the next day painting her as the aggressor. She claimed he struck her as well.

I want to state I don’t have strong feelings for Shellie Zimmerman except empathy. I don’t know her. I didn’t know much about her until I started reading for this post. What I do know is while, you should be innocent till proven guilty, I also think we should believe the accuser until we know all the facts.

So Monday and into Tuesday we saw a lot of tweets about the statement “I don’t know what he’s capable of. I’m really, really scared.” Mostly comments that came very close to victim blaming because he did kill a child. But she also lived with him. She saw him when we didn’t, before we knew who he was, and after the media turned away. What we do know is that he committed violent acts against at least three other women. The victims of intimate partner violence often internalize it. The abusers isolate their victims and become their world, before the abuse begins, then after it starts they have no options for help.Yes, victims of intimate partner violence stay, they stand by abusing partners during trials if the state intervenes, they refuse to press charges, and they recant sometime. Because like during a rape, women are told surviving it the first priority. And because they might not know what life is without their partner. That is the way this works. This is a take on some other reasons the abused don't press charges.

A little more information? Firearms are the most common weapon used in intimate partner homicides, and internationally, one-third of women are likely to be murdered by a partner (June 2013). Domestically in 1998, 3 of 4 of women murdered were attributed to partners (BJS, 2000). A friend of mine doesn’t lock her door at night. It drives me crazy, and has become a running joke for us. Her reasoning, she more likely to be raped, murdered, attacked by someone she knows than a stranger. And while that is true, if that guy, the guy she knows, knows she doesn’t lock her door she’s an easier target. Yeah, that’s a thing we talk about. I girl I grew up with expects her relationships to be violent. I don’t know that’s she ever been in one that wasn’t. I mention this because I’ve said it before, men of color and women are people, and too often, it is the differences that divide us rather than the similarities to bring us together. Fear walking while being you, fear the state is going to come after you because they can, and fear someone you know is going to kill you.

But right now, Twitter is blaming a potential victim of intimate partner violence in a way the bad guys blamed Trayvon Martin. I’m not saying these people are bad mind you, the race baiters at Fox News, the NRA, and the insanity out of the conservative right are bad. These people on Twitter  feel passionately and felt slighted by the Zimmerman verdict, and that I can empathize with. I too saw a murdered get a pass. However, maybe a little empathy for Shellie Zimmerman, a 26 year old woman attacked by someone who was supposed to love her in a place she was supposed to be safe? 

This is what we do to victims though, we try to make it their fault. I've also seen a lot of tweets about the police only responding because Shellie Zimmerman is white, and while that might be part of it. I sincerely doubt that is the whole reason because she is a woman, and most police forces grossly mishandle domestic violence cases. However, he husband did just get off for murder while claiming self-defense so the police might be hyper aware of him. Below are some tweets I thought might be relevant.

@LOLGOP @ClinicEscort don't forget what she was wearing. I'm sure she was dressed like someone who wanted to be shot.
— Kari O'Donnell (@KariODonnell) September 9, 2013

This is how @colorlines prefaced this story (http://t.co/ZvaAGSMDfJ) on FB: "Hmm. Shellie Zimmerman recants her story."
— Jessica W. Luther (@scATX) September 10, 2013

I don't know. That is strange word choice considering everything here points to a typical DV situation.
— Jessica W. Luther (@scATX) September 10, 2013

And first comment on that @colorlines FB post: "Not shocking she wants the movie rights and book rights revenue he's got coming."
— Jessica W. Luther (@scATX) September 10, 2013

@slb79 I realize. Maybe coupled with the "hmm" - people want to hate her and I just worry about the discussion around this.
— Jessica W. Luther (@scATX) September 10, 2013