Don Lemon is still on TV, can someone explain this to me?

Begin angry rant. Don Lemon says terrible things. I know this; you know this. I imagine the people who pay him know this. I also imagine he is profitable, right? Drumming up controversy by saying stupid shit? I mean that is every right wing pundit. However, Lemon is now telling an alleged sexual assault victim she should have fought harder then she wouldn’t have been raped.

I don’t know how to begin this. I really don’t. I mean I could start with some advice my father gave me in junior high, “Don’t pick a fight you can’t win” or I could start by saying that they tell you the most important thing is to survive. But the latter is just something they say and don’t mean, and the first, well that’s solid advice. See the fine print, if you fight back and lose, well then you are a victim, cut and dry, but you may also be killed because rapists are violent and will probably kill you or beat you within an inch of your life, but hey no one will question your victimhood—except when they do anyway. Or you can prioritize survival, and know that it is going to end. At some point he is going to be stop. But then you’re going to have to defend your experience at every turn. People are always going to want to know why? Why didn’t you do all the things they tell women to do so they aren’t raped?

Lemon pretty much says if you’re raped well you should have fought back harder so you’re at fault. I would love just once people to publicly say men who rape are at fault, and we should teach men not to rape (and not you know receive a public backlash and rape threats). I don’t understand why part of my adolescence was about learning how not to be raped. Any of you guys get that talk? Maybe, you got a how not to be a rapist talk? No? Of course not.^ It is wrong to treat all men like rapists; their feelings might be hurt. We can condition all women to expect to be victims though. I mean that can’t have long reaching consequences. And god forbids we me make men mildly uncomfortable. Right?

Better not talk about it, someone might be uncomfortable. Better not talk about it, your boyfriend will feel bad and think you’re broken. Better not talk about it, no one will believe you. Better not talk about it because your father won’t be able to look you in the eyes. Better not talk about it because there is no coming back from that victimhood. No point in talking about it, because you waited too long. The police won’t believe you. He didn’t seem like a rapist, after all they are easily identified by the long black coats. Are you sure it was rape? Were you clear that you didn’t want to have sex?

I think men should be uncomfortable. Women are. Silence and shame go hand in hand, and I’m sorry if you’re uncomfortable because you don’t want to acknowledge someone’s lived experience. But I give exactly zero fucks. I also think people who have nothing to contribute to the conversation should just stop talking. I’m looking at you Lemon, Goldberg, and every other rape apologist. I’m looking at and blocking the people trolling those posting on the #WhenIwasRaped. But Lemon is still on TV, and there are people on this hashtag calling for a #WhyIRaped and saying they are uncomfortable. Well filter the damn hashtag. And as for a #WhyIRaped, sure rapists should be the responsible party, but maybe not asking for it in a place where survivors are sharing their stories? Also, I give zero fucks what rapists have to say. Also, there are studies that interview rapists, and yes, they are disturbing. End angry rant.

^I am putting a note here that of course men can be victims/survivors of sexual assault and women can be perpetrators. However, women are disproportionately the victims/survivors. That doesn’t deny men’s experiences, but it does make one think and the power differential between genders and how structural forces are at play.

Shenanigans on all the things! Discussions of victim blaming continue

Ok, so we clearly have people in the media who can’t keep up. Rape is the fault of the rapist. That is all. Victims aren’t asking for it. Survivors didn’t put themselves in bad situations. Also, survivors don’t get raped, it is an action taken by the rapist. Previously, I’ve mentioned my loathing for the language that is employed in these discussions. And I can drink like my guy friends and not have to worry that one of them is going to think it is ok to be a rapist.

I’m all upset about an article published by Slate entitled, “College Women: Stop Getting Drunk.” It was penned by Emily Yoffe, and guys, she isn’t victim blaming, just bitches need to stop drinking and take some responsibility for the actions of their rapists (sarcasm burns a bit). We’re going to go through the whole article and see just flawed her logic is, but also how common this sort of thinking is.

Yoffe begins by invoking a study that says 20 percent of college women “will become victims” (are victimized? Maybe, they don’t sign up for it) by most a classmate. Yep. Truth. The same study found that 80 percent of these assaults involve alcohol. However, she didn’t mention that 1 in 3 of the alleged perpetrators are intoxicated as well. So it isn’t always the victims/survivors who are intoxicated, but moving on. Yoffe uses Antonia Abbey of Wayne State University to back up her assertion that men drink to justify behavior and women’s drunkenness is a source of guilt and shame. I don’t dispute any of this, but I think it is only part of the picture. After all, lots of sober people experience shame after sexual assaults because we’re taught to be ashamed of sex and the lack of power survivors have in these situations, which she/he will be inevitably blamed for.  However, Yoffe uses this to construct the narrative she wants to discuss is the myth of the sober predator: essentially the stranger in the bushes.

My issue with this is that it is untrue. We know that most rapes are committed by a small portion of the population, they however commit multiple rapes overtime and develop as predators being able to get away with lesser assaults and violations evolving into rape. These predators are going to push the boundaries as long as they have access and are enabled. But also, most women know their attackers. For real. Most sexual assaults are committed by someone you know. My friend M and I talk about violence against women a lot, jobs yo. The reality is women are more likely to be assaulted and killed by people they know and partners (marital rape).

Yoffe has a pretty great contradiction working in her piece:

“Let’s be totally clear: Perpetrators are the ones responsible for committing their crimes, and they should be brought to justice. But we are failing to let women know that when they render themselves defenseless, terrible things can be done to them. Young women are getting a distorted message that their right to match men drink for drink is a feminist issue. The real feminist message should be that when you lose the ability to be responsible for yourself, you drastically increase the chances that you will attract the kinds of people who, shall we say, don’t have your best interest at heart. That’s not blaming the victim; that’s trying to prevent victims.”

 End scene. Shenanigans on all the things! Yes, perpetrators are to blame. But women are well aware of how we will be blamed for all the actions other people take against us. It is why our behavior is policed so much, by society, by the police (hi, Slutwalk), by the legal system, and by one another. It is why women are taught to fear all men. Don’t believe me? Gents who read this, think back to when you started driving…when you would walk to your car at night were you told to do anything special to ensure your safety? I bet the ladies were. In fact, I was told to always walk with my keys between my knuckles after dark even if I was with other women. Women are well policed by the culture of fear, a culture that defends and protects rapists, but most importantly enables them. It is why discussions around rape always devolve into what the survivor was wearing, was she/he flirting, did he/she drink, etc.

Responsibility for one’s self. Oh dear, the libertarian principles. Here is the problem with that. In Yoffe’s world women and men have equity because otherwise she wouldn’t assert women have the same freedoms as men. Women are already in a position where they lack power, and a drink or twelve isn’t going to change that. Women have to take responsibility for their actions; society demands it because a woman’s word is never trusted from the beginning. Women have to prove themselves beyond reproach. I have a personal story about this, which I’ve shared before where my best friend took the word of a man he didn’t know the last name of over mine. Patriarchy, it kind of sucks, for everyone.  But more so, could people who don’t know what feminism is stop talking? The feminism message would be teach people not to rape.

Yoffe concludes this passage with the assertion that this isn’t victim blaming, it is preventing the creation of more victims. Bullshit. This reminds me of the argument against women voting, working outside the home, holding political office, oh just about everything. See the women folk need to be protected, and what better way than to limit the movement of women in society through infantalization. That way when something does happen, and it will because the problem of rapists raping hasn’t been addressed at all, the victim is to blame for deviating from the path that would keep her safe (obviously, in this “reality” men can’t be raped). This is victim blaming, actually, I think if you looked up victim blaming in the online urban dictionary (which is the only dictionary to use while playing Scrabble) you’d read this description.

Yoffe then talks about how hard it is to shame women for their behavior because people think that victim blaming is a bad idea, so a host of people who would normally tell women to “protect themselves” instead of I don’t know telling people not to rape are criticized for their efforts. I’m breaking out the tiny violin. Because people who want to blame victims totally need our support, someone start a telethon, they can host it in Steubenville. Of course, we go back to the “you’re going to be a victim if you drink ladies” trope, but I have to ponder yet again, where is the warning to our men counterparts? It could read something like this: “You don’t want to be a rapist, so don’t rape regardless of how intoxicate you or your partner is.”

Christopher Krebs, an author of the “Campus Sexual Assault Study” said, “I’m not saying a woman is responsible for being sexually victimized. But when your judgment is compromised, your risk is elevated of having sexual violence perpetrated against you.”

This is like starting a joke with, “I’m not racist, but [insert racist joke].” I find this quote entertaining given what we know about rapists. We spend so much time talking about the behavior of the victims but not about the rapists. Rapists are going to rape as long as we as society lets them. Often serial rapists devolve when they are denied access to victims becoming more violent. As mentioned above, most men who commit rapes are serial predators. Eventually, Yoffe acknowledges that serial predators who encourage their victims to drink instead of using violence (though, I think we can agree rape is violent) exist on campus.

Yoffe then discusses the dangers of binge drinking, and yep, binge drinking is bad because of a host of things including alcohol poisoning, concussions from blacking out, drunk driving, etc. Yoffe concedes education is the best way to handle binge drinking, but not rape, I guess?

Don’t worry though, Yoffe isn’t just shaming women she doesn’t know. I’m sure her daughter who she has told “that it’s her responsibility to take steps to protect herself” will have long term issues with self-blame if ever the victim of sexual assault. The article then invokes women and men are biologically different without noting she is using gender terms and not sex terms. But hey, why deviate from the awful narrative now?

Another gem from the article: “If female college students start moderating their drinking as a way of looking out for their own self-interest—and looking out for your own self-interest should be a primary feminist principle—I hope their restraint trickles down to the men.”

This is so great for some many reasons. First, rational self-interest is a libertarian principle, not a feminist principle. This is why there a huge discussion in the feminist community about “Lean In” because women who leaned in and are now successful usually get there by exploiting others. That is a core feminist principle, ceasing the exploitation of others. Second, women are once again supposed to lead by example when their behavior has to be modified to protect them as dictated by society. Seriously? That is like telling a person in poverty that they are doing a great job not spending frivolously.

Then Yoffe invests a hypothetical son, wait for it…

“If I had a son, I would tell him that it’s in his self-interest not to be the drunken frat boy who finds himself accused of raping a drunken classmate.”

I am going to tell my nephew not to be a rapist, and I’m going to make sure he knows what is and is not rape. I’ll stress he is responsible for his own actions, but also compassion and empathy are values stressed in our family. Even if he can get away with something if it causes pain to another person he should do it. I am not however going to tell C’s daughter that is it her responsibility to make sure she is never raped. In fact, I’d probably stress that there is no shame in surviving sexual assault. Yoffe talks a bit about Title IX, but not in the way you’d think with hey colleges are being held accountable for not investigating and taking the appropriate actions after sexual assault, but nope, this is in the context of the poor boys that will be targeted for committing rape. She also mentions bystander intervention, but I have some issues with bystander intervention. While, I like the idea, we know this is wildly ineffective in preventing sexual assaults in the military because you’re more likely to assaulted by someone you know…so what if the bystander is a would be rapist? Also, it is kind of infantilizing, and the reinforcement of women having to have buddies and not being able to go anywhere alone. Just saying it is a complicated and condescending intervention that isn’t super effective.

Yoffe invokes how drinking and sex is like drinking and driving, but the women are responsible. This is a false analogy. First, because the sexual assault survivor isn’t in control of the situation. A more appropriate analogy would be a drunk person in the passenger seat when the driver wrecks, but then the blame is placed on the drunk person not driving. Her point of course is that there are more complications when alcohol and sex are involved because people can’t remember everything, and of course what is sex verses what is sexual assault. I’d say sexual assault is unwanted sexual advances, and if your partner can’t consent (which is why we ask permission) then it is sexual assault.

I kind of love the lack of awareness when Yoffe ends the piece, but arguably flows through it, she describes her experiences drinking in college, “But least I always knew that I was responsible for my behavior, not the alcohol.” After all, colleges can’t be expected to caught and punish sexual predators.

I hate victim blaming pieces like this. I think I prefer the ones that just blame the victims instead of pretending like they don’t. It hearkens back to the arguments against women’s rights across the board. Women need to be told what to do because we can’t possible make decisions on our own.

Rape culture is a pretty big problem

We knew this for a while, but Jesus. The allegation is a young woman (14 years old) was raped by a 17 year old senior and left on her porch in freezing temperatures to be found half conscious. The rape was filmed on an iPhone, because young people are incapable of learning. There was a 13 year old victim and a 15 year old perpetrator as well, but that case was sent to juvenile court. Then the town turned on the victim because the alleged perpetrators were football players much like we keep seeing time after time. It is also worth nothing, never read the comments on these stories. Never. Finally, the girl’s family was forced to move, and then their former home burned down. Of course, no one knows why. Also, the case was dropped. Notably The Kansas City Star has been detailing the victim blaming and harassment the victim and her family have endured while trying to stay impartial, which is way more than the police are doing. Read the article for detailed accounts of the alleged rapes if you can stomach it. So what the fuck is going on here?

I’m pretty sure everyone with Internet access has heard this story by now out of Maryville, Missouri. Daisy Coleman (her name was released by her family) has been speaking out against the way her case was being handled (or not handled) and asserts more women are coming forward. When asked, Daisy said she would testify if the case was reopened. However, this is contrary to what Sheriff Darren White claims, which is the case was dropped because the Colemans chose not to press charges. White is quoted by Jezebel’s Kate Dries as saying, “The only people’s stories that have been inconsistent throughout this whole thing are the Colemans, the victims in this thing.”

However, Melinda Coleman (the victim’s mother) says the problem is larger than what happened to her daughter:

“My concern was that some other girls came forward and told me that the same thing happened with this same group of boys. When I had talked to the Sherriff initially he told me that there had been girls who had come forward and that there had been maybe even 10 other girls that were also assaulted. So later on he said that they were all liars, I digitally recorded him saying that they were all liars and that they just wanted to crucify those poor innocent boys. So my concern is: what is [it] going to take for them to do something here? Is one of these girls gonna to have to die? Are they going to end up freezing in their front year before they do something?”

 Now, I’m not objective here. I almost always fall on the side of the victims, while trying not to make targets out of the alleged perpetrators. I even try to use the appropriate language. But maybe, maybe the Sherriff could do the bare minimum too, and not refer to the alleged rapists as “poor innocent boys?”

It is important to note that one of the boys, Matthew Barnett, has political ties through his grandfather, Rex Barnet, Missouri state Representative. Daisy says she wants nothing to do with Matthew Barnett, but Melinda wants the other girls to come forward without fear.

So remember when I said never read the comments…I did, and know what I found? Victim blaming. Because you know women who drink (especially underage women who drink) are agreeing to whatever anyone wants to do with them. I find the policing of women’s behavior in these situations fascinating and horrifying all at the same time. No one comments on the behavior of the men involved as if they have done nothing wrong, but shouldn’t they have their every move analyzed, too? Or has masculinity just become synonymous with immediate gratification and violence?

I don’t want to believe that, but once again women are held to an impossible standard and blamed for the actions of other people who would abuse them. The logical conclusion there would be that men are incapable of being held accountable for their actions because they lack some kind of reasoning and morality to do so. I can’t be the only person scandalized by this reasoning?  Many advocates of men being involved in rape prevention note the awful perceptions of men if they are considered to have no control over their sexual desires; it means they are all rapists, which obviously they are not because we know that most rapes are committed by a small proportion of the population. Rapists are however, repeat offenders and their behavior escalates often not starting at rape, but some lesser form of sexual abuse and harassment. So that friend you knew, but didn’t like in college because he was shitty with women probably harassed more women than you’re aware of.

I am a firm believer that to end rape, we have to take on rape culture, and to take one rape culture we have to deal with masculinity as defined by the patriarchy, and to do that we have to deal with the patriarchy and the sexism, racism, and classism, etc. wrapped up in it. And with that run-on sentence, I’m tired. We do have to address a culture that enables and encourages rapists and victim-blaming.

Victim Blaming and Shellie Zimmerman

Over the weekend I listened to a woman whose rapist went free after raping her repeatedly for hours, telling her his name, and not destroying the evidence because she didn’t look and sound like a victim. So Monday when everyone was dancing dangerously close to victim blaming Shellie Zimmerman I just couldn’t. Of course as of Tuesday morning it was all over the news that once again, George Zimmerman will not serve time. Now, I empathize with the anger from the black community about George Zimmerman. I can’t fully understand it, and I can’t fully understand Shellie Zimmerman’s thought process either. I do know how my friends of color felt about Zimmerman, and rage is the only word to describe it and a sense of fatalism that this is the world in which we live. I’ve seen family and listened to friends recount intimate partner violence, and I do know what it is like to be afraid of a partner. And the sentiments were similar, how did I or we get here? How do I exist is a small world where I have little power and control?

From CNN and Vivian Kou, Shellie Zimmerman filed for divorce from George Zimmerman. She called 911 after he allegedly threaten her and her father with a gun, though there seems to be some controversy as to whether a gun was present. Zimmerman was denying he had one. No charges were filed against George Zimmerman. ABC and CNN noted that Police Chief Steve Bracknell stated, “Shellie Zimmerman has declined prosecution (after consulting with her attorney).” However, in Florida during domestic disturbances the police reserve the right to file charges regardless of the victims, which is obviously problematic. The police are reviewing security footage from the home. But this is what Bracknell had to say, “We did not take a gun at all, because there was no reason to take a gun, because was in his truck.” Here I thought he threatened Shellie Zimmerman and her father then went back to sit in the truck and wait, but silly me, how could the gun have traveled between those two placed? Shellie Zimmerman later said she hadn’t seen a gun, but George Zimmerman kept reaching for where he normally carries it. George of course is claiming self-defense again.

George Zimmerman went to Shellie Zimmerman and her father where there was an altercation. Shellie Zimmerman called the police while George Zimmerman sat in his truck with a friend. Shellie Zimmerman was breathing heavy on the phone while speaking to the dispatcher, saying, “He’s in his car and he continually has his hand on his gun, and he’s saying, ‘Step closer.’ He’s just threatening all of us with his firearm.”

Shellie also said, George Zimmerman punched her father in the nose and broke her iPad. She continued on the 911 call to say, “I don’t know what he’s capable of. I’m really, really scared.”

According to the Chicago Tribune, Shellie Zimmerman says on the 911 call, “Dad, Dad, get inside the house. George might start shooting us,” she was shouting, then breaking down in tears, “Oh my God, on my God.”

Now, we all know George Zimmerman is a violent child murdering monster. I won’t go over that again. The CNN article goes on to try to discredit Shellie Zimmerman because bitches be lyin’ I guess. After all she lied about their finances back in April 2012 when the couple received more than $135,000 in donates because we live in a world that wants to pay the man who murders an unarmed black teen. It is kind of amazing, she’s a liar, but the first thing CNN says about him after the acknowledgement of Trayvon Martin is about how he saved a family from an SUV accident, and then two traffic violations, where he was very cooperative.

I want to note that Shellie Zimmerman claims George Zimmerman feels invincible now. Additionally, Shellie Zimmerman was quoted as saying, “I think I’m realizing that I have been married to a person for almost seven years, and I don’t think that I ever really knew him at all.”

I want to take a moment and mention that many victims of intimate partner violence feel this way. Because often the abuse is gradual and develops over time until it is a normalized part of the relationship so you wake up years later thinking, this isn't the man I love, but it is the man I love.

She was also quoted as saying, “I stood by my husband through everything and I kind of feel like he left me with a bunch of broken glass that I’m supposed to now assemble and make a life…It’s just heartbreaking…I have a selfish husband. And I think George is all about George.”

Mark O’Mara, Zimmerman’s attorney confirmed George Zimmerman was armed, but he was only checking to make sure it was holstered because he’s responsible.

A few months ago, Salamishah Tillet wrote about the domestic violence angle and the Zimmerman case for The Nation. Tillet notes the similarities in poll findings for the Zimmerman trial and the Simpson trial, but Tillet was more interested in the domestic violence accusations both men faced before their trials rather than the racial breakdown. We all know that violence against women and girls is often overlooked by authorities and the media, but also we know that accusations like these go unchecked and are often indicators of future violence.

Nicole Brown Simpson had a long history of documenting abuse. In the Zimmerman case, two pieces of evidence never made it to the trial. The first being a statement from Witness No. 9, was Zimmerman’s cousin, she claimed he molested her for ten years when they were children. The second piece of evidence was a report filed in 2005, Zimmerman’s former fiancé sought a restraining order against him for domestic violence. Put that in perspective when Zimmerman claimed self-defense against Trayvon Martin. Another former partner of Zimmerman claimed he was trolling her neighborhood to check on her. She asked him to leave, and there was pushing. Her dog bit him, and he filed a petition the next day painting her as the aggressor. She claimed he struck her as well.

I want to state I don’t have strong feelings for Shellie Zimmerman except empathy. I don’t know her. I didn’t know much about her until I started reading for this post. What I do know is while, you should be innocent till proven guilty, I also think we should believe the accuser until we know all the facts.

So Monday and into Tuesday we saw a lot of tweets about the statement “I don’t know what he’s capable of. I’m really, really scared.” Mostly comments that came very close to victim blaming because he did kill a child. But she also lived with him. She saw him when we didn’t, before we knew who he was, and after the media turned away. What we do know is that he committed violent acts against at least three other women. The victims of intimate partner violence often internalize it. The abusers isolate their victims and become their world, before the abuse begins, then after it starts they have no options for help.Yes, victims of intimate partner violence stay, they stand by abusing partners during trials if the state intervenes, they refuse to press charges, and they recant sometime. Because like during a rape, women are told surviving it the first priority. And because they might not know what life is without their partner. That is the way this works. This is a take on some other reasons the abused don't press charges.

A little more information? Firearms are the most common weapon used in intimate partner homicides, and internationally, one-third of women are likely to be murdered by a partner (June 2013). Domestically in 1998, 3 of 4 of women murdered were attributed to partners (BJS, 2000). A friend of mine doesn’t lock her door at night. It drives me crazy, and has become a running joke for us. Her reasoning, she more likely to be raped, murdered, attacked by someone she knows than a stranger. And while that is true, if that guy, the guy she knows, knows she doesn’t lock her door she’s an easier target. Yeah, that’s a thing we talk about. I girl I grew up with expects her relationships to be violent. I don’t know that’s she ever been in one that wasn’t. I mention this because I’ve said it before, men of color and women are people, and too often, it is the differences that divide us rather than the similarities to bring us together. Fear walking while being you, fear the state is going to come after you because they can, and fear someone you know is going to kill you.

But right now, Twitter is blaming a potential victim of intimate partner violence in a way the bad guys blamed Trayvon Martin. I’m not saying these people are bad mind you, the race baiters at Fox News, the NRA, and the insanity out of the conservative right are bad. These people on Twitter  feel passionately and felt slighted by the Zimmerman verdict, and that I can empathize with. I too saw a murdered get a pass. However, maybe a little empathy for Shellie Zimmerman, a 26 year old woman attacked by someone who was supposed to love her in a place she was supposed to be safe? 

This is what we do to victims though, we try to make it their fault. I've also seen a lot of tweets about the police only responding because Shellie Zimmerman is white, and while that might be part of it. I sincerely doubt that is the whole reason because she is a woman, and most police forces grossly mishandle domestic violence cases. However, he husband did just get off for murder while claiming self-defense so the police might be hyper aware of him. Below are some tweets I thought might be relevant.

@LOLGOP @ClinicEscort don't forget what she was wearing. I'm sure she was dressed like someone who wanted to be shot.
— Kari O'Donnell (@KariODonnell) September 9, 2013

This is how @colorlines prefaced this story (http://t.co/ZvaAGSMDfJ) on FB: "Hmm. Shellie Zimmerman recants her story."
— Jessica W. Luther (@scATX) September 10, 2013

I don't know. That is strange word choice considering everything here points to a typical DV situation.
— Jessica W. Luther (@scATX) September 10, 2013

And first comment on that @colorlines FB post: "Not shocking she wants the movie rights and book rights revenue he's got coming."
— Jessica W. Luther (@scATX) September 10, 2013

@slb79 I realize. Maybe coupled with the "hmm" - people want to hate her and I just worry about the discussion around this.
— Jessica W. Luther (@scATX) September 10, 2013